Mondays with Mel–The Funniest Cat on the Internet


By Mel the Cat Columnist

Melvians! Greetings! I hope you all are well. I was pondering my beginning statements and I thought to myself “Self, why do you always hope your readers are well?” I sat there for a minute and said to myself “Self, it’s because I’m a caring cat and I care about my readers. My humans, ehh, not so much!” I do kid. I do care about them. I just act out because I’m the youngest pet. My human mother, youngest of three girls, would know nothing about that. Nothing at all.

This weekend, Jaden and I were left alone while the humans and the dog went on a short trip. The struggle to be good was real. I thought about all the things I could do to be bad while they were gone but then I thought to myself “Self, why waste your energy being bad when they’re not home to irritate?” I think that’s probably the best advice I have ever given myself.

I did get more sleep than I normally do thanks to having the nights off from meowling. I had some pretty cool dreams. Before the humans left, the little human was watching some Lego Star Wars. Can you guess who is my favorite? If you guessed Darth Vader, you are correct! I think I could be his cat. Darth Melfious. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? I’d have to have my own Storm Troopers though and they’d be called Mel’s Minions. Or maybe something a little more dark side sounding.

I think my favorite saying would be “I find your lack of tuna  dinners disappointing.” I would tell my minions to buy me beds then sleep on the couch. I’d ask for curtains to be hung just so I could climb them. It’d be a great way to exercise. Maybe when I become Darth Melfious I can get a better space ship than the one I tried to build out of cardboard boxes and leftover fireworks from the 4th of July.

The little human was Darth Vader for Halloween and my human parents were Storm Troopers. I found that funny because we all know who runs this empire. It’s not me. I wish it was but it’s not. It’s my human mother, much to the chagrin of every other living being in our house.

Speaking of annoying things…my humans got rid of the couch and love seat they’ve had since I was just a wee one pounder. I was not too happy about that. I had my spot of both couches. Well, multiple spots. I haven’t been too happy ever since then I found out the bought new ones. So, I have been spending my free time pondering which couch I’m going to fur on first. I’m both a planner and spontaneous cat at the same time. I find it keeps the humans on their toes, especially my human grandfather. He thinks he has me all figured out then I come visit again and BAM! I got him again! I look forward to my next visit. It’s been awhile since I’ve been there so he has no idea what to expect this time.

And speaking of time…it’s time for me to go warm myself by the fire. That location isn’t super annoying to my humans but I have to be good sometimes. Santa Paws IS watching after all…

Until next time Melvians….

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